The UnDivine Comedy
by Star Garden
Summary: A kind of partially true story showcasing students at YQ, filled with superheroes, creepy villains and hot, amazing, HAWT romance, what more can you ask for? Beware readers: enter at your own risk. Rated M for a reason
1. Destino

**The Un-Divine Comedy**

**Chapter 1: Destino **

**Or: A Meeting With Fate**

AN: So, before we get started, I just want to say that if you are not of legal age consent you shouldn't be here, because not only is there swearing, but also some violence and some references to the dirty deed, not too directly. I hope you find within these words a laugh, because it was great fun writing this.

This is dedicated to all of my friends, and if this has any basis or bearing on real life people or places, it is a complete mistake. Honest :P

So, Without further ado, here is the story!

"**Friends are like Bras: close to your heart and there for support" – Anon**

"**Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions****" – Woody Allen**

In a residence building on the fourth floor in a room, perhaps not so different from your own, Kim, mild-mannered university student, found herself caught in a bit of a quandary. After having completed a relentless gauntlet of essays and exams beset upon her by the demonic hoards of professors at YQ, she, understandably, wanted a bit of a break. A night out: alone, mysterious, independent, and of course, sexy. Of course, under normal circumstances, there would be nothing stopping her. This time, however, due to a soulless B+ giving TA who had neither respect for writing nor editing talent, she was forced to submit an essay.

Of course, it was one she had not started, due the day after next. That day being Friday.

So it was a Wednesday night, with an essay looming forbiddingly on the horizon, but Kim was already dressed and ready to go out. Priorities for a university student = Fun first and essays… sometime later. However, Kim did not dare go out on the town without the sassy, truthful advice from her faithful friend Debbie. It also helped that Debbie was lieutenant major of the campus fashion police, a highly elite and specialized group chosen and judged academically, socially and fashionably. The fact that Debbie also owed her a favour and some money also helped matters.

"What are you thinking, Kimberly?" Debbie said exasperatedly. "You have an essay due in two days and here you are, going out. Also, you didn't even invite me! Shame on you!"

"Don't you have an essay due tomorrow?"

"Hey I'm doing it tonight! … Oh"

"Exactly. Now, you aren't here to give me ethical advice. No one can, because I am independent and saucy" At this, Kim gave a little bit of a head shake, waving her hair back and forth. "You are here, however, to make me look debonair enough to help me find a man for either a good time tonight," WINK. "Or a possible long-term relationship with a potential Salvadorean suitor. Whichever happens to be there at the time.

"Well," Debbie looked her up and down, "I don't think you need too much help."

And she was right.

If Kim's look were to be described in merely a couple of words she could be described as either 'dressed to kill' or 'dressed to give a lot of men some uncomfortable erections.' Nevertheless, just because it's fun, let's describe her in detail from top to bottom.

Kim, with luxurious curly tresses half swept up in an elegant bun and half teasingly down to her luscious and flawless bosoms in a rich and shimmering chocolate brown. Her eyes, carefully accentuated with just the right amounts of smoky eyeshadow and eyeliner, framed by naturally long and sexy eyelashes.

Hull lips dressed in ruby red and in the shape of a characteristic pout, ready to either kiss someone senseless or tell them what is what. She wore a skin-tight, sequined black top that would capture the moonlight, throwing it back into the night in a kaleidoscope of colour and light. It was accompanied by a tight black leather skirt which alternately showed off and covered her spectacular ass.

Mmmm. That ass. Round, and firm enough to bounce bricks, but of course that is not what it is usually used for.

Anyway, before getting distracted, let's continue on. She wore rose-patterned stockings, covering her knees, no fishnets, because Kim is classy. To finish this elaborate outfit were a pair of black leather high-heeled boots, reaching her knees and draped in metal chains. On top of it all, Kim wore a long, black trench coat to ward off the night chill, but mainly because Kim is badass like that. And, because she is Kim, she smelled like amazing, if amazing could be bottled and sold.

"Well, I guess you are ready to go," Debbie said finally. "I have an essay to write," At this, Debbie shed a few tears because she too was enslaved under the malevolent powers of her TA. "Ah, but don't forget we should go visit Diana Chong, the fortune teller, she may have some advice on your night out."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes, but also because she made some fried rice and some of it's for me."

So, it was for those reasons that our two residents walked down the hall and knocked on room 416. The door, which had a red dragon painted on it, heard an ominous voice beckon "come in," and slowly opened with a creak to reveal…

China.

Or at least a cheap university student's version of it. Hanging everywhere were cheap Chinese depictions of dragons, serpents and Buddha. Golden and red streamers, most likely from the local dollar store, lined the ceiling, and the fragrant smell of chicken fried rice permeated the kitchen and dining area.

The mysterious voice continued from inside the bedroom door, "What have you come for, strangers?"

"Food"

"Fortune telling"

"Okay, Debbie the wok is on the oven help yourself. Kim, come in," And the door opened on its own again.

Inside, behind a red velvet covered table, sat Diana, long time friend, Chinese food supplier, advisor, and sometimes pain in the ass. She was dressed in red, wearing huge glasses, and on her lap sat a Siamese cat.

"Kim-berly… I have been expecting you. It is good you can=me for me. Much will change for you tonight" Kim sat at the table and the cat, originally not allowed to be in residence, leapt off her lap, not without giving her a glare. Diana, bedecked in jade bangles and gold jewellery, took her hands and proceeded to speak.

"Confucius say 'By four ways may we learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; third, by experience, which is the most bitter; and finally, by the bedroom which is darkest.' Learn from my mistakes Kim, and choose wisely with eyes unhindered by alcohol or desperation." "You know I don't have any control issues, that's just you Diana." "Oh, right." Well anyway, Kim, I have read both the stars and your palm, while you were sleeping, and they align on this night to bring about your fate. You must go, and come back, a changed woman. You will be faced with great evil in your search for true joy, but in the end you will attain what you seek. However, in the climax of your happiness, you must not forget your responsibilities." "In English, please, should I go out tonight or not?" "Yes, and basically the stars say you will be getting some ass wherever you go. That ass… belonging to someone who is not so different from yourself, if you know what I mean." Kim did know, and then asked "so, where are we going for this?" "Queens and Scenes." "The drag bar?" "The very same. Trust me on this, Kim, although my advice has been known to sometimes lead others astray, but I would not be trolling you on this one. Mainly because you are able to beat me up, and you know where I live. But, all questions about my honesty aside, as to the method of your payment, I shall be taking the usual." "Sexual favours?" "Yep. Also, one tray of brownies. Before you object, if I am right you must keep in mind that it will be worth it." "Damn, girl, you drive a hard bargain, but alright. If I must, your sexual favours and tray of brownies will be forthcoming." "Please, not both at once, though." And so it was that Kim took her leave and left the devious inner sanctum that was the depravity of Diana's room, thus leaving before hearing her final, important words. "While you're there, try and see if you can grab me a ginger! Also Kim, don't forget your ESSAY!" Kim returned to the kitchen, and there sat Debbie, with her wide lens black Prada glasses and decorative scarf. "That took a while." "Yeah, a lot of weird shit happened, but let's go. How was the rice?" Debbie nodded and they left. In the safety of the hallway, Debbie finally released her urgent question, "If she's so weird, how come we are still friends with her?" Kim shrugged, "Well, she has good advice sometimes, and she makes good Chinese food. She's not crazy, she's just a bit obsessed about the whole Asian thing and she needs to get laid. Badly. And preferably by a ginger. I understand, but at the same time I pity her, and hope that I do not become like that one day. Anyway, now I know where my destination for the night will be, but our journey continues. Where to next?" "Kyra's" Ah yes, Kyra's. Room 432, or, as it is known to residents and as the sign above the door proclaims it to be : Kyra's bootylicious ORGASM of CAKE! Her own residence cake shop, where godly and heavenly sweet wonders await all weary travellers with enough in their pockets. However, because Kyra is an angel with the pure heart of 1000 first loves and the passion of 1000 burning suns she has a sunny disposition and usually allows people to sample her concoctions for free. Which is also why, apart from the kitchen she sadly could not afford regular residence fees and thus sleeps in a broom closet. Like Harry Potter, but a bit more tragic, and if Harry Potter's magic was in the form of crafting cakes with dedicated, smooth as butter cream hands like Kyra's. Of course, Kyra's bakery was amazing and sunny and smelled like awesome, if awesome was some perfume fragrance. But the name credits went completely to Diana, who, if you haven't already guessed, usually has one thing on her mind. That ass. And yes, Kyra has a wonderful ass like Kim's almost as if it were sculpted by deities and devils alike to awe and to tempt, just like Kyra's cakes. Therefore, Diana just named the bakery without further ado and against the wishes of the baker herself. But that story alas, is for another day. As Kim and Debbie reached the door, it opened welcomingly and a wonderful summer breeze smelling of cinnamon and cream cheese icing wafted out into the hallway. And a light, inexplicable though it was, illuminated our two weary residence travellers and struck them both with the melancholic yet happy reminiscence of times past and younger days spent in joy and frivolity before the existence of essays and exams. And there she was: Kyra, in all of her illuminating, awesome-smelling and majestic glory, standing near the oven, baking a cake. "Kyra, is it done?" "Almost," And Kyra turned to face her friends with a smile that held the magnificence of 10,000 sunrises saying, "it is going to be a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing."

Even the thought of it had them drooling.

"Ah, but it won't be done for another two hours, and it isn't for you, I'm sorry. Someone ordered it. And it is someone who is actually paying me."

"Okay then, we just wanted to stop by and say hi. Kim is going out, and I will be doing my essay."

"Okay. Bye then."

Everyone stood around waiting awkwardly.

"I mean it guys, I am sorry, but there is no cake for you yet. But come back tomorrow, I should have some then!"

"YAY! Kyra, we love you, with the bestiality of 10,000 Taylor Lautner fans, we'll be leaving now."

And as both of our cake-less crusaders left Kyra's humble abode, Kyra was just left wondering what that was all about at all. Then she just went back to making her magical, wonderful, amazing, finger-licking embodiments of joy. Basically, she just continued baking and thought to herself that she needed to go somewhere they could not find her again in the next year at YQ.

By this time and at the end of this long journey, they had already ended up at Debbie's room, so at this point they decided to part ways.

"Goodbye Kim, and good luck. But before you go, visit Candace, she will help you on your way. I still have to write my essay. Tell he how things went when you come back." Debbie winked and proceeded to enter her own room with tears in her eyes, for she was facing the unavoidable: her essay.

Kim continued on, and reached the room of Candace, which she entered with ease. And there on the other side, she encountered a Goddess.

Well, a tall, curly haired Goddess with caramel skin and a dislike for short people. Her theme song was "short people" by Randy Newman which goes a little like 'Short People got no reason to live' Luckily, Kim was of an average height and therefore was accepted into the room.

"Candace, I am going on an adventure tonight, and I need to go to my destination by TTC. Please, help me TTC Goddess."

Candace smiled and said, "Of course, with all of the powers invested in me by my mighty TTC pass, I give you the right to travel unburdened by tokens or expensive fare. But remember you owe me.

"You are generous, am I guessing brownies in your future?"

"Yes." Candace the TTC Goddess handed her the pass and said, "Now go, but make sure not to lose it or else you are buying me another one! Use protection, don't drink strange drinks and if you see Daniel Henney, bring him over!"

"Okay! Bye!"

And so Kim set off, finally at 7:00 pm on a Wednesday night, she left the place she had called home for the academic year and boarded a bus, never looking back.

After numerous bus transfers, subway stops, crowds of people and not a hot guy in sight, Kim eventually landed at the doorstep of Queens and Scenes. A more risqué high-class drag bar could not be found anywhere else in the city, and this was where Kim would begin her hunt, for that ass, prophesized by the words of Diana and encouraged by Candace, Debbie and Kyra, sort of. Night had fallen on the city, for by that time it was 9:00 at night, the stars were out and the moon was covered in cloud shadow.

In the distance cars could be heard, yet the noise of the city seemed distant and far-removed from the neon lights of the establishment. A classy brick building, painted in black, with only the fluorescent lights of its sign to give it any light. And, as Kim touched the door, about to step into who knows what kind of future or scenario, Kim took a deep breath. She was prepared. She was ready. She had condoms in her pocket. And, if Kim was perhaps a little bit reluctant, then the winds of fate slapped her on the ass and she entered, not knowing all the numberless wonders she would find.

**To Be Continued In the Next Chapter**

AN: Please read and review! Stay tuned for the next chapter:

**Sesso Or: The Sexy Horror Opera Show**


	2. Sesso

**The Un-Divine Comedy**

**Chapter 2: Sesso**

**Or: The Sexy Horror Opera Show**

**AN: Sorry for the delay everybody! Also, some of the content is from a movie I watched in first year, guess which one it is!**

**WARNING: I get a little explicit in the language in this one, because it is a drag bar – what more do you expect? Also, be prepared for vast passages of text that haven't been edited, I swear that this comes straight from my mind to the screen, and that is something to be VERY afraid of**

**Again, this is dedicated to all of my friends whom I love so very much, and if this has any basis or bearing on real life people or places, it is a complete mistake. Honest :P**

**So, Without further ado, here is the story!**

"_Forget about the mind. The clitoris is a terrible thing to waste" – Lisa Kogan_

"_Sex__ appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got" – Sophia Loren_

Queens and Scenes was exactly the kind of place that finely straddled the line between sleazy and classy, yet somehow managed to combine both worlds seamlessly. However, it was not just the black paint on the walls, the red velvet cushions, the flash of neon lights or the questionable cocktails being served that garnered that reputation, but the exclusive clientele who occupied the area.

It was more than just a drag bar: it was a place for coincidence, sin, outrageous amounts of alcohol, but most of all freedom. Freedom for men and women to be whoever they wanted to be, with whomever they wished. There were people dressed in Victorian era style with dresses and corsets, sipping tea and handling parasols. There were seedy debauched areas filled with fishnets and tight leather. Of course, cosplay and animes were extremely popular themes. Queens were strutting their stuff with pikachu ears or fox tails.

Despite these fascinating distractions, Kim was not interested in any of the events. She was confident, and due to the fortune she received from Diana, she new that something or someone was coming, and all she had to do was wait.

So, Kim strode to the bar in the middle of the building in long-legged, sexy strides with her cloak floating ethereally behind her. The crowd parted in her wake, both men and women dressed in elaborate costumes gazing in awe of the lovely creature known as Kim, transfixed until she reached the mahogany bar and slid up a chrome and leather bar stool only to whisper her request into the bartender's ear.

"One Tangy Pussy in a highball glass please, Prady. Three pieces of ice only."

"Kim, you sure have fine taste," said the barkeep. Prady was a middle-aged man of Indian descent dressed conservatively in orange and green. He was hired basically due to the fact that he rarely batted an eye to even the strangest of clientele who walked through the doors. Also because Prady had extensive personal experience with alcohol. His hair was admirable, formed into a waving mane of glossy black hair to make any bollywood star jealous and facial hair consisting of an impressive black moustache and beard. The only thing more overwhelming than his appearance was his impressive ego, unmatched by anyone even in Queens and Scenes.

Luckily, Kim was a well-established friend and also known to take bullshit with either a swift kick to the nuts or a heavy dose of sarcasm. Therefore, they really just had a platonic relationship where Prady served the drinks and Kim gave the cash money.

"So, what's new in town," Kim asked as she drank from her Tangy Pussy.

"Well, there's a new Queen. She's better than the rest and has already gained a following. No matter what age, religion, sex or plastic surgeon you're under, you can't help but want her. Her name is Lady Lilith Wormwood, and she is sashaying over to the right."

And Kim looked, then she stared. There She was, all alabaster skin and sass. The best new drag queen in the whole joint, a clear cut diamond in a sea of already glistening jewels. Like the Hope Diamond, only the Lady belonged to no one, not even the Queen of England.

Lady Lilith Wormwood had dark, rave's wing black hair, both straight and severely cut. Eyes, as green and hazel as fresh Irish plains containing a hint of mischief and danger. Her lips, full and sparkling with the slightest fragrance of orange and shaped to an alluring pout. Her clear white skin was bare except for a tight renaissance era red lace corset, which showed off her fake cleavage in splendid form. She was wearing fishnets and a tight leather skirt, all in black, which teasingly previewed what was hidden beneath while still managing to be tasteful. To finish the ensemble, deadly black leather spiked heels announced her arrival with loud clicks against the tiled floor.

Kim was not usually one to approach anyone, for she was independent and aloof and a master at not giving a fuck. However, once she finished the last of her Tangy Pussy, she put down her glass and stalked over to the Lady. Once again the crowd parted for her, like the Red Sea before Moses, but a lot more sweatier and with more body glitter.

Prady just looked after her, shaking his head and saying, "if anyone can capture the heart of the Lady and everything underneath that corset, it would be Kim."

Kim glided over to the other side of the bar. She touched the creamy shoulder of Lady Lilith Wormwood, and when eyelinered eye met eyelinered eye, the world stopped. Not in the creepy I-want-to-suck-your-blood-but-I-really-shouldn't way of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, but in the awesome, earth-shattering We'll-Kick-Ass-Together way of Catwoman and Batman. Except of course, twice as sexy.

Lady Lilith Wormwood, Kim was pleased to notice, seemed just as shell-shocked as herself, and her hazel-green Irish plain eyes widened slightly, and she licked her inexplicably dry lips.

"Hi," was all that Kim could hear from the Lady, and at that moment Kim diagnosed the problem. Behind all of the lace, pizzazz and silicone chest pads, Lady Lilith Wormwood was just as Kim thought she was: An awkward bird of a man who is shy with members of the opposite sex, although he is pretending to be one. Kim had, of course, much experience with cocky men, and upon first meeting them, they would always try to trap her with the "smoulder." Kim would always escape due to the fact that her own trademark "smoulder" was one thousand times sexier and amazing. The fact that Lady Lilith Wormwood did not try to "smoulder" her at the first moment they met proved to her that Lady Lilith Wormwood might be a decent human being after all, and that she did not need to drive the spike of her stiletto into the lace-clad crotch of this man, like she had for many perverts before.

Kim decided then, to lead the encounter by saying "why don't we get some drinks and get to know each other better?"

Lady Lilith Wormwood, still slightly shocked by the spectacle that is Kim, brooked no argument, and allowed herself to be dragged back onto a barstool, to the immense disappointment of all of her admirers.

As she was sipping from her second Tangy Pussy of the night, Kim pondered her situation. The situation which was, at that moment sipping her own Tangy Pussy.

"So, what's your name?"

Lady Lilith Wormwood, shocked momentarily from the greatness of her cocktail, replied, "I thought that was obvious. I am kind of… popular around here," She looked pointedly at Prady who looked away and continued shining a glass.

"No, I mean your real name. The one your parents gave you. The one that you use when you are out of this hot mess," Kim gestured vaguely around the establishment.

"Oh. Well, my name is Alex. Or Alexander. Mainly Alex, though."

Yep, Kim thought, there is definitely an awkward bird under all of that bravado.

"Well, my name's Kim. And that is what everyone calls me. But before we get ourselves any further on this train, I am going to ask some questions. They will be straight forward and I expect the truth. No trolling."

"Okay." Lady Lilith Wormwood replied easily. She really had nothing to hide, except from his parents who were still unaware of his moonlighting as a Queen. The Lady actually admire Kim's brutal honesty because she herself had narrowly avoided some problems. After all, no one wants to see Penis when they actually want a VJJ.

"So, let's get started. Penis?"

"Yes."

"That's good, VJJ for me, by the way. Implants or chest pads?"

"Chest pads, after all, I am trying to keep this from my parents. Their son suddenly popping breasts wouldn't be very secretive."

"Neither for me, these are all real, no matter what other people might think. Age?"

"20."

"Good, I definitely don't want to be a Pedobear going after any jailbait. For your information, I am 19. Contacts?"

"Nope."

"Same here, and now we get to the final question: STD's?"

"God no! I have brains! Although I have a penis, that doesn't stop me from using my intellect for critical moments. Isn't that a little personal?"

"Well that's great! I am all clear too. And a friend once told me that you can't say 'Yeah, well' to gonorrhea. She's right. Once you get that shit anywhere there is no going back. Better safe than sorry."

After all of the annoying background information was taken care of, real conversation and bonding could begin. Both were pleasantly surprised to discover that they not only shared an intense love for videogames and anime, were attending the same crap university and were both single, they also used the same brands of makeup. All through out the night, Kim found it attractive when the Lady, or Alex, blushed or was nervous, while Alex found himself transfixed by Kim's cleavage and DAT wonderful ASS. :O

Their intense discussion over the pros and cons of Sephora Mascara was suddenly interrupted by a deafening chorus of cat calls and whistles in the direction of the main stage.

Kim checked her watch, and as she thought it was 12:34 am on the dot, which could only mean one thing: it was time for Queens and Scenes' nightly drag exhibition to commence. Kim and Alex merely sat back and enjoyed the show, partly because it was good, but mainly because they could not hear each other over the suddenly loud music and wild cheering.

Queen after queen, dressed in anything from nurses outfits to pokemon cosplay were catwalking the stage. Some did renditions of Whitney Houston songs while others performed provocative dances and strip teases. One even ripped their shirt off and did an impressive copy of "The Rain Dance." Soon, however, everyone walked off the stage with lots of cash money strapped in g-strings stuffed bras or stilettos, making way for the main event: The Tiger Twins.

Although they were not even twins, nor did they ever dress like tigers, they were the Tiger Twins because they felt like it, and no one at that drag bar was nosy enough to ask questions that were not even necessary. Melissa and Liv were mainly an oddity, not for their choice of name, but because they were the only performers dressed as women, who were ACTUALLY women. Of course, no one questioned that, either, because the pair DID look bitchin' in stilettos and many people were too amazed by them to be able to close their mouths and ask questions.

And that night, the pair was especially bitchin' dressed as Panty and Stocking from the hit series "Panty and Stocking With Garter Belt" Liv, of course as Panty and Melissa as Stocking, performed and eyebrow-AND-cock raising performance to the tune of "Dream A Little Dream of Me" – The Techno remix… and although no one knew how that could have been possible before, the Tiger Twins left many of the patrons of Queens and Scenes with BIG dreams of both Panty and Stocking.

As they both exited the stage, the Tiger Twins caught Kim's eye, blew her a kiss and sent her a wink, before finally leaving with a sexy click of their heels. This did not escape the Lady – I mean Alex's – notice and he faced Kim who was, surprisingly, blushing.

"You guys share a history or something?"

"Well, let's just sum it up in three words: _**Ménage à trois**_"

And with that, Alex had to do some uncomfortable adjusting.

Before Kim could comment on THAT, she was interrupted as, on stage, there erupted an enormous plume of sparkles and smoke, and out came the most beautiful queen she had ever clapped eyes on… Except for Lady Lilith Wormwood, of course.

There she was, a vision in fluorescent pink feathers and leather: RuPaul, the legend, the Queen. And she strutted across the stage to the beat of "Girls just Wanna Have Fun" stroking her feather boa across many mens' faces and strutting her pink g-string clad ass to everyone who whistled at her, which was A LOT. When Kim finally closed her mouth to the spectacle before her, she looked over to her companion to find Alex with his head in his hands.

Before Kim could ask what was wrong with him, RuPaul had somehow gotten close to where they were sitting, and brushed his feather boa across Alex's face, leaving the now bewildered and surprised Queen with an intense blush on his face.

Alex merely held up his hand and said, "Before you ask any questions Kim, yes, RuPaul was my SiFu, or teacher in the arts of being a Queen. And She has never left me alone since."

"Wow," Kim said. She was impressed. Which was a rare thing, because nothing had ever truly fazed her until that moment. "But why don't you seem too proud of the fact that RuPaul is your Seafood?"

"Well, she always comes up at both the best and worst of moments. Like at my bedroom in my parent's house, and on the street, to train me. Also, it's SiFu NOT Seafood."

"Seafood? I am saying it right, yes?"

And, because Alex did not have the heart to correct her, RuPaul SiFu will now be known henceforth as RuPaul Seafood.

Because the party was getting a little rowdy even for his extreme and flamboyant tastes, Alex had a suggestion.

"Hey, I have two tickets to see a Shadowcast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at 5:00 am in the Sony Centre for Performing Arts. Do you want to beat this Pupusa stand and go?"

"Mmm, Girl, you know what I like," Kim agreed with a smile.

"Just please, let me change first. The g-string I have on is currently digging into my fun parts."

And so, after Alex finished changing into jeans and a t-shirt and a more comfortable set of underwear, Alex and Kim were on their way to what they did not know would be one of the greatest misadventures of their lives.

Also… if you don't think a show would be playing at 5:00am, it's fiction, and believability isn't worth a damn in this world. Alex and Kim definitely did not give a damn, they were going to a show. :P

**To Be Continued in Part 3, the Last instalment of this saga:**

**Inferno OR The Night… And Day After**


	3. Inferno

**The Un-Divine Comedy**

**Chapter 3: Inferno**

**Or: THE Night… And the Day After**

**AN: This is the REAL last chapter. I can tell you, this is the end of a LONG SAGA… of Procrastination and Frustration, haha. As always, this is dedicated to my friends, you know who you are, who have pulled (and sometimes dragged kicking and screaming) me through. Remember, that I LOVE all of you 3**

**P.S. If you don't get this reference to a famous anime, there might be no hope for you :P**

"_Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."_

– _Woody Allen_

_I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie._

_Sting_

Kim and Alex arrived in their usual fabulous style, rolling onto the scene in Alex's sleek black Lamborghini Murcielago. It was almost time for the show, and they both looked like any normal couple out at around 5 am: Sexy as hell and knowing it.

Shedding his earlier arousing attire, Alex still looked great in jeans and a t-shirt, but his simple dress code was more than overcompensated by the gorgeous Kim and DAT ASS. Despite being a Queen Alex, or Lady Lilith Wormwood usually walked around as a normal, unassuming kind of guy. This, as RuPaul Seafood had taught him, was what made the eventual transformation that much more surprising and, of course, dramatic.

Sitting front row center, of course, Kim and Alex stopped their engaging conversation about how best to behead a zombie, and paid attention to the show. Alex, however, was distracted by his thoughts about how wonderful his date was and how lucky he was to grab a girl at, of all places, a drag bar. Someone who not only looked like dynamite, but who possessed an equally fiery amount of sass. And DAT ASS, which consumed his thoughts and also contributed to how much Alex was being distracted from the show.

Kim did not notice anything amiss, and also did not notice how fixated Alex's stare was upon her person. She honestly was excited to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show… AGAIN, but she found that the Rocky in this one was disappointing. But sometimes, despite her intense concentration on the show, she too thought how lucky she was to have found Alex… Finally, a guy with whom she could actually sympathize the unending and bloody torture of wearing a pair of stilettos for a couple of hours. Even more rare, a guy who could fully appreciate a woman, in AND out of her stilettos.

The show was interrupted right at the beginning of the scene where Janet shags Rocky when, with a BANG! The doors to the theatre were burst open and smoke billowed out into the once peaceful audience. In the midst of the commotion, stood two of the weirdest, inexplicable and perhaps pointless villains to ever NOT grace a comic series.

One five foot figure emerged into the dimmed lighting, dressed in a denim mini skirt paired with flipflops and a Selena Gomez fan shirt that had a large face shot of the star with the words "Selena 4EVER!" Emblazoned on the front in sparkly purple lettering. The girl also had dyed platinum blonde hair fashioned in two pigtails, and a face that just screamed "Teenage Attitude" To complete this ensemble straight out of a parent's nightmare, she was also sporting a black and purple velvet plaid cape and always had gum smacking away in her mouth in an obnoxious manner. Yes, this person could only be the infamous Gossip Girl, whose annoyingly evil power was not only to make you question your relationship with your BFF, but also possess a screech that could shatter ear drums when she did not get her way.

Beside her, her partner in crime was the equally unwelcome Creepy Corporal. Need I say more? The perpetual nightmare of girls everywhere who just want to find an attractive ginger male who is preferably emotionally stable and intelligent (is that so much to ask) but instead get smacked in the ass by reality who instead throws this creepy potential date in their way. Yes, the creepy corporal was infamous for his abilities to KEEP ON CALLLING repeatedly, tell everyone way too much information about his past relationships, and completely either ignore or be blissfully unaware of social decorum that states that you do NOT knock on people's doors at wee hours of the morning. His signature move was to be able to lock eyes with anyone, and make them freeze with the terrible sensation of creepiness travelling up and down their spine like spiders crawling. He was dressed simply in ripped jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket, with long, and greasy hair falling around his shoulders and into his eyes.

These two had been terrorizing the fun events of the GTA for over two months, with not a police force in existence that could capture the wily pair.

Frozen in terror, the audience tried to escape the theatre to be stopped and silenced by the pair when the Gossip Girl opened her mouth and let out an ear-piercing screech that would rival the vocality of 1,000 Justin Bieber fans. When the audience stopped holding their heads to recover from the pain, the pair started to make their demands.

"Tee hee HEE! Now, I am just a sixteen year old gal from Mississippi, and I want to make it easy on Y'all, so I'll just make it simple. Give us all of your cash money and put it in my backpack or else!" The Gossip Girl giggled, while still smacking away on her Bubblicious and playing with her pigtails. Her backpack, of course, was bright pink with The Witches of Waverly Place and the one and only Selena Gomez on the back.

"Uh… yeah… what she said," the Creepy Corporal added.

Of course, some members of the audience were restless and decided to try an protest. Two in particular, a pair of best friends for over 25 years, were adamant at having their hard-earned cash money taken away from them. One, dressed as the Sweet Transvestite from Transylvania herself was really a mild-mannered accountant for Royal Bank who was also slightly balding and had three children. The other, dressed as Magenta, was just a manager at Burger King, but the two were great comrades over the years. Together, this nameless pair exclaimed, "Hey! That's not fair! We aren't just going to give you our money, no matter how creepy or annoying you may be! We are calling the police!"

"Oh, that was a big mistake!" And with that, the Gossip Girl fixed her renowned Relationship-Wrecker-Glare on the pair. Instantly for no apparent reason, the two formerly best friends pounced on each other and proceeded to beat the ever-living-shit out of each other. Body glitter and garters were thrown about into the rest of the stunned public and screams of "You BITCH that was my MAN!" and "Don't Believe Facebook, please stop hitting me! NOT the FACE!" were barely heard over the ruckus. The Gossip Girl crossed her arms in satisfaction at the sight, "Now, if you all don't want to be like THAT, we can continue the process of getting my Visas paid."

With that, the crowd and the cast of the show started emptying their wallets and bras of all of the cash money they had on them into a pink Selena Gomez backpack, while the Gossip Girl giggled with glee and the Creepy Corporal stood in a dark corner of the theatre, creeping as usual. However, Alex, who was watching the events unfold with a mixture of awe and disgust, knew that he had to do something, even if that meant unveiling his ridiculously HAWT identity. He looked beside him in worry, afraid that Kim would see and that he would have to explain, only to see that, to his disappointment, she had disappeared. Oh well, he thought, at least she wouldn't have to see the transformation.

With the silent stealth of a ninja, or equally, someone who was trying to have a quickie in the bathroom, Alex reached into the back pocket of his jeans for a mysterious foil packet. While, to the casual observer and the aroused sex fiend, this foil packet would look like the Trojan Condom (Extra Sensitive) Packet, it certainly was designed to imitate, what lay within was much more awe-inspiring. Alex ripped the packet, and out popped a small crystal cut in the form of a stiletto, raising it, almost victoriously into the air, Alex yelled with all of his might into the stunned theatre, "DRAG PRISM POWER!"

With an unknown force defying both the laws of gravity and parental guidelines for nudity in public, Alex was borne aloft on a strange wind and covered with pink ribbons and feathers to the tune of some strange Japanese instrumental pop/rock music. Alex went through the transformation, and stepped out as the true Lady Lilith Wormwood. She, of course, had bright red patent leather knee-high boots and an equally bright skirt reaching down to her knees and a skin-tight white bodice with a ribbon around her neck. Lady Lilith Wormwood was stunning with bright red lipstick and a little tiara on her pitch black hair, with long white gloves reaching her elbows and heavy, yet tasteful eyeliner.

The only thing was, that the Lady seemed to be confused about her transformation as well, and was looking up and down herself as if in surprise. What She was really thinking, instead of how to kick her opponent's asses back to whatever seedy Toronto apartment they had crawled out from, she, or Alex, was really thinking _"Aww Shit! RuPaul messed with my costume AGAIN! I was supposed to be intimidating! Not some reject from a Japanese primetime special!"_

When both the Gossip Girl and the Creepy Corporal had finished picking up their jaws from the floor of the theatre, only two thoughts ran through both of their heads respectively, "WHERE does that bitch get her makeup" and "Maybe I should hit on her?"

Their musings were interrupted; however, when The Lady, or Alex, demanded, "You give these people back their money, so we can keep on enjoying the show!" And before they could reply, Lady Lilith Wormwood ran with her fists drawn about to punch the Gossip Girl where she deserved: In the ovaries, right in the baby-maker.

_(Reference to Ron Burgundy)_

Right when she was about to reach them, Alex fell to his knees in unbearable pain and awkwardness because at that moment, The Gossip Girl let out an awful screech and the Creepy Corporal unleashed all of his creepy powers (which were immense) and Lady Lilith Wormwood was brought down by the ungodly feeling of his eardrums being torn apart and almost paralyzing shivers down his spine from the monumental amount of creepiness being emitted. Just when the Lady was feeling utter despair and doubt that she could have these two fiend brought to justice, she saw a flash out of the corner of her eye.

And, with all of the righteousness and heavenly power of a snow day right in the middle of exam week, a figure clad in black leather swooped down from the ceiling, roundhouse-kicking the Gossip Girl in the face and effectively shutting her up, while also dealing a hard punch right to the solar plexus of the Creepy Corporal, pausing his terrible awkwardness. Who was this? Was it a bird? A fighter jet? A part of the police force, or at least a member of the TTC transit authority? No, it was neither of these.

It was Kim, in all of her hair-waving-gloriously-back-on-an-invisible-wind glory. Looking like some vision of Catwoman in an Adam Hughes artbook, but more badass and even more elegant, Kim was definitely a sight to behold, and a Godsend to the weary Lady Lilith Wormwood. She usually roamed the streets kicking ass and taking names, and she had no need of an alter-ego because she was just that awesome. And rotten two-bit villains learned to fear the name of Kim, because she was just that great. There doesn't even need to be a reason.

Although Alex was, unmistakeably glad to see Kim, he was also frozen as a sudden wave of awkwardness threatened to capsize his boat of hope to look cool in front of Kim, especially in the outfit he was currently in. So, to change the subject, he asked "So where did you go to change? You look nice, by the way."

"Thanks. And I changed in the bathroom when the shit started to go down. Why, where did YOU change? I like the look, by the way," Kim replied with a wink and a smile.

To his utter horror, unmatched by even the thought of being brought down by someone called the Gossip girl, Alex could not think of a proper response. And yes, it would have been so much easier and saved so much spectacle if only he had though of using the bathroom, so he could only reply smartly "Uhh… well… I…"

And again, they were interrupted, because as they were having this almost one-sided conversation, the two villains had gotten up, dusted themselves off and were ready for a fight, although slightly intimidated by the addition of Kim. "Why doesn't anything ever go my way!" squealed the Gossip Girl, who was about to throw a tantrum at the fact that she was getting no money from this, and she was also starting to miss her time away from her Selena Gomez DVDs. The Creepy Corporal was also getting impatient, because for him it is the hours of the early morning that are best suited for proper and undetected creeping.

"Well, there is only one way to settle this…" Kim began as she started getting ready for the ass-kicking she knew she would have to administer, joined by her super-heroine boyfriend who was also ready to punch the idiots who had burst in the middle of one of the greatest dates of his life. And they would have, too, if it weren't for the fact that they were interrupted, once again, by an unexpected guest.

Out of nowhere, smoke once again blew into the theatre, but this time a large metal platform came from the middle of this smoke, and there She was: the Seafood herself, RuPaul, already posed in a dramatic stance and dressed in a Vegas showgirl costume with all of the large feathers, the glitter and the sparkles, except all in purple and pink. RuPaul stepped off of the platform and walked slowly down the stairs that magically appeared before her. She, in true star form, already had a microphone in her hand and a performer's smile on her well-glossed lips. "Well, there truly is only ONE solution for this. The stakes are clear: On the one side, there are two villains hoping to make off with some quick cash money. On the other, there is a mysteriously foxy lady in black and my protégé, Lady Lilith Wormwood. Nice costume by the way." And with that, RuPaul blew a seductive kiss to Alex, who was looking back at his Seafood in shock and had an epiphany.

"So it was YOU who changed my transformation costume! I was supposed to be dressed in something else! At least in my costume I had actual pants instead of this skirt."

His complaints were definitely ignored as RuPaul continued, "AS I was saying. Yes, there is only ONE way to settle this when the stakes are so high. And that is to… LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!"

And, just as Kim was going to start protesting that there was a lack of DJ, appropriate lighting and a stage: out of nowhere, a DJ with turntables was transported next to RuPaul, and an almost too large disco ball fell to the center of the abandoned stage.

"Now Dahhhlings, I shall have to spell out the rules for all of you. Each side will pick one person to represent them in this battle, and will lip sync to one song. Then I will judge who the winner will be, and only THEY will get what they want! Now, I will give you time to discuss this, and then I will expect the participants to be ready in 10 minutes!" And with that, RuPaul threw his feather boa over his shoulder and stalked off to a front row seat.

As the Creepy Corporal and The Gossip Girl were both engrossed in their own team huddle, Kim turned to Alex, "Well, I am not really experienced in this, and you know what RuPaul likes, so you should go!" Actually, Kim kicked ass at karaoke too, she just really wanted to see her date perform. So they decided for his turn he would sing La Roux's "Bulletproof." Ten minutes later, it was decided by an intense game of rock-paper-scissors that The Gossip Girl, who was performing for the Villains, would be going first. Of course, the Gossip Girl chose Selena Gomez's song "Who says" and started to belt out the tune in the usual teenage fashion with too much excitement and too little talent.

Watching the performance, was RuPaul Seafood who was looking a little too excited, and checking the Gossip Girl up and down. Kim and Alex started a little conversation, in an attempt to block out the loud, but exuberant, screeches coming from the teenaged girl, while the Creepy Corporal just stayed in his corner, occasionally sending shivers down the spines of Kim and Alex.

"So… you never really told me about this whole thing," Kim said as she gestured to the outrageous anime-style costume Alex was still wearing.

"And you never really never told me about your skills in fighting crime and bringing justice. Also, I didn't really think it was first date material, you know?" Alex said with a blush.

"Fair enough. But let's just say we reveal all before we continue on. I think you pretty much know everything you need to about me already, just that if you even THINK of doing anything bad, I will be bringing you into a whole new world of pain." Kim said with a bright smile

"Well, you know everything about me, too. The person who taught me everything about this way of life is RuPaul Seafood, and the reason I am so good at crime fighting is that I can read minds when I concentrate and when I touch the person. Don't worry, I will never use this on you, but it sure comes in handy, because I am in Psychology, that is why I am so obscenely rich."

"WHAT THE SHIT?"

"Well, I said… uh… that was why I was obscenely rich?" Alex stammered.

"No! The OTHER part! Damn, if you can read minds we don't have to do all of this lip syncing! You can just read the minds of the Creepy Corporal and Gossip Girl, mess with their heads and then we can both go to bed, actually!"

"Yeah, well, you don't know RuPaul Seafood like I do. Her whole purpose in life is the performance and I think she really likes the Gossip Girl, in a really strange way, look!" And they did, and what they saw was RuPaul Seafood clapping excitedly to the music and squealing excitedly when The Gossip Girl stopped right in front of RuPaul Seafood and started doing a little shimmy.

"Leave it to me to do the convincing," and with that, Kim dragged off an unsuspecting RuPaul Seafood from her seat and proceeded to try to negotiate something that has never happened before: The end of a Lip Syncing battle. While she was busy, Alex proceeded to change in the bathroom back to his regular clothes and then tried to get the music to stop and transport the clueless DJ back to wherever the hell RuPaul Seafood got him from.

An indeterminable amount of time later, Kim dragged a pouting Rupaul Seafood onto the stage where everyone else was gathered, and where Alex was in the process of reading minds. First, and most difficult, Alex touched his fingers to the Gossip Girl's head and got into his mind, then, after a good half hour of recovery and involuntary shudders due to him being freaked out, Alex did the same for the Creepy Corporal. Then he began his diagnosis, while Kim and RuPaul Seafood listened on.

First it was the Creepy Corporal: Alex threw his arm around his shoulders and exclaimed with wild head motions, in a loud voice "PETER! MAN! LISTEN! You're too nice of a guy to go around creeping for the rest of your life. Go, live your dreams and open a tech support store in Toronto. Use your God given talent with computers and scam some people into giving more money than necessary!"

"Does that mean I have to stop going to rock concerts?" Peter, or formerly the Creepy Corporal, asked.

"I am afraid so, also it would help if you stop knocking at people's doors in the wee hours of the morning, cut your hair, and stop hitting people. Also, shampoo and conditioner every once in a while would be real nice. The first step in not being a creep, is to stop looking like a creep." And so, with this heartfelt advice given, Peter walked out of the theatre a new man, and gave up his villainous ways for ever due to his gift for helping people with technology. Sadly, that doesn't mean he ever stopped creeping, which was a damn shame, and that is why, if you are ever alone at night on a street or in a park, you should always bring a whistle and some pepper spray.

That was the easy one, now Alex had to work with the Gossip Girl who was, surprisingly, a six foot man from Kenya named Aaron who just had strong and kind of freaky teenage obsessions. The main reason he was the Gossip Girl was mainly because he LOVED and LIVED for DRAMA. Also, he spent a bit too much at Shopper's Drug Mart and at the iTunes store for accessories and Apps that he really didn't need, and his bills would be due in a matter of days. He always had trouble paying the bills for his extravagant spending. Aaron also owed a YQ student a 10 lb. bag of mints due to his addictive eating of all of her breath-freshening candies. Alex knew, that with someone who was already so obsessed with Teenage pop culture, it would be impossible to change. So, he figured, why change them when you can just cart them off to someone else? Sort of like deportation, but not really.

"So, Gossip Girl, I think I have the perfect place for you. Since I am almost done being taught by RuPaul Seafood, why don't you take my place as her apprentice?" Seeing the doubtful look on the Gossip Girl, and the excitement of his Seafood, Alex continued. "You both could probably learn a lot from each other, and from what I read in your mind and cannot erase, even though I desperately want to, you already share a lot of likes and dislikes. Like, going on Chat Roulette and pretending to be someone else, and also of course dressing in the drag. If that isn't enough reason, RuPaul Seafood is also obscenely rich."

"Say no more!" And with that, the Gossip Girl leapt into the arms of RuPaul Seafood, and they were about to leave.

However, RuPaul Seafood always had to have the final word, "Thanks for hooking me up, sugar, I knew I took you on for a reason. Now, I think you know all you need to succeed as a Queen, so I will go. Remember me as your faithful and talented teacher. Con-Drag-Ulations for getting such a great girl like Kim. And a real girl too, but your tastes aren't mine Also, don't call…. I'll be busy. Sashay Away!" And, with a dirty wink and a pinch on Alex's cheeks, both RuPaul Seafood and the Gossip Girl, formerly Aaron, vanished in an appropriately dramatic puff of smoke.

Alex and Kim were alone now, since most of the original audience of the cast and show actually left during the terrible singing of the Gossip Girl

"So," Kim began as she wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulder and started walking with him out of the theatre. "Can you read my mind and what I want to do now?"

Actually, although he was blushing, Alex could. And, although the details are sordid, what was on Kim's mind led the pair back to her place where they had magical unicorn sex for the rest of the morning. All I will say about the details is that, it was good.

In the late afternoon, Kim awoke. And, deciding to be merciful, she let Alex stay in her bed longer because he would probably be tired after all the fun they had just had… Over, and Over and Over again. She stepped out of her room and into the hallway where she, unexpectedly, saw two covered dishes waiting for her. Kim was curious, so she just went inside and put them in the kitchen. She opened the first one, which she was from Debbie, because it was a Pupusa she made, and a message was on it, written in that magic awesome sauce Pupusas are eaten with: Congrats on the Sex! Kim just laughed and put it aside.

The second package was from Kyra, because it was a cake obviously from her bakery, Kyra's Bootylicious Orgasm of Cake. Although Kyra's cakes are usually a welcome sight, this one was definitely not, because of the message it bore:

Congrats on Forgetting Your Essay!

The swear words that followed from Kim's mouth could have made the devil blush.

That evening, after Kim submitted her essay late, she went out to get something to eat with her friends. Alex had long gone, because he had to go explain to his parents why he was so late, but he did not leave without making a promise to come back. And they might have had some magical unicorn goodbye sex.

Yes, Kim was now with her girls: Candace, Debbie, Kyra and Diana. As always they were laughing, sharing outrageous stories, and walking together. And Kim thought that, perhaps, this was what life was about, and that it didn't really matter if life had Kyra's cakes and stupid essays, ups and downs, hook-ups and break-ups, her friends would always be there for her, through the awesome moments, and the not-so awesome. And, surprisingly, that assurance was better than unicorn sex, and just as amazing as the magical power of one of Kyra's cakes.

"So, how was last night?" Debbie asked Kim with a wink.

"It was great, but way too short…" Kim began.

"That's what SHE said," Diana interrupted.

And everyone, almost against their will, laughed like old friends. And that is what they would always be.

And, as SHE said, **THAT** was only the Beginning…


End file.
